Mom Shame

In one of my first “mom groups” postpartum, I remember someone bringing up the topic of “mom guilt”. The free form group took the form of a confessional, as one by one, moms went around the circle, pulling from the annals of postpartum sleep deprived lore, confessing the sins that they deemed serious enough to warrant knowing sighs and nods but not the Real Bad Ones that they feared would render other-mom-side-eye. “I let my kid watch TV so I could shower.” “I sleep trained.” “I gave in to co-sleeping.” “I’m happy to be back to work.” I watched, blinking, as more seasoned moms modeled the appropriate level of divulgence. I personally was sitting in the aftermath of severe postpartum anxiety and trauma, scraps of my sense of self strewn around me as I made slow, shaky attempts to sew it all back together. I was both terrified my infant son had somehow absorbed my psychological unrest and also damn proud of the fact that I was upright and conscious, attending not only to my needs but an infant as well. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to consider whether my kid was hearing too much TV or I let him cry a little too long before I got out of bed. I was alive and meeting his needs, and that felt herculean. 

And then - it was Hero Mom’s turn. The group looked at her in silence as she shrugged and said, “I dunno. I don’t have Mom guilt.”  Immediately, I lept over the bouncer seats and kissed her and asked her to move in with me. She shared her absence of “mom guilt” as it was if it was a part of her genetic code, or one of those folks who just doesn’t have a middle name. Matter of fact. Y’all got that, but I don’t.

She went on to say, “I just don’t experience “Mom Guilt” the way many describe it. I take care of my kid. I love her, I snuggle her, I feed her, I talk to her, I change her, I bathe her… all the things. I don’t do it all perfectly, but I do well enough. She’s happy and safe. I just don’t have mom guilt.”

Slow clap for Hero Mom. 

This is the point in writing where I quickly pivot and turn to those on my left, normalizing that Mom Guilt is a real part of the human experience and my intention is not to shame those who are already fleeing the tides of shame anyway. But I also have to wonder if Mom Guilt is in part a cultural phenomenon, a side dish to the casseroles we receive as new moms - “Here, a vegetarian lasagna with special ingredients to boost your milk supply! Also, this flask of bitter liquid we call Mom Guilt. Drink it a few times a week and ruminate on all your maternal failings, both current and potential. Oh, you don’t want to? Hush, dear. It’s all a part of the mothering  experience.” 

So, while I want to acknowledge and validate the experience of feeling Just Not Good Enough, I also want to say that it is not a requirement of motherhood that we harbor a constant sense of inadequacy. It is not essential that we second-guess all of our decisions. We are not failing our kids if we end the day with a hot-and-ready pizza and a juice box and say, You know what, I did my best today, and I’m proud of that. 

In fact, I’d argue that when we let go of the subtle expectation that moms feel insufficient, we do a tremendous service to other moms around us. We slowly shift the tide and bring awareness to the idea that we can be looking for ways to grow as parents and simultaneously accept where we currently are. We can work towards being our best selves while also recognizing our strengths as we are right now. 

After all, isn’t that what we want for our kids? To feel content and confident with who they are right now as they learn and grow?

And if it’s true for our kids - can it be true for us, too?